From the mind of a fucked up teenager PART ONE.

For whatever reason, I decided to go into my giant box of old letters, drawings, and journals. I found a lot of things, read through them and realized how mentally broken I was, well more than now haha. Being a teenager has got to be one of the hardest things in your life for some people. It was for me. I was extremely depressed, and hoped for love or death on a daily basis. My upbringing was not a very loving environment and I realize that now. That being said I find it interesting, the letters I received and the things I wrote or drew. So over the next little bit I'm going to be sharing those on this blog. All I ask is that you read and look at things with little judgement as I am 22 now and most things were received or written between the ages of 13-17.

This letter is from a guy I used to mail back and forth when I was 13-14 ish.
I met him through a mutual friend, but he lived in Ontario.
He loved me, a lot.
I never knew if the feeling would be mutual.

This letter was from my friend Shane. He lived in Ontario as well. 
We met at 13, and he was struggling with the fact that he was gay.
He could not tell his parents, so we talked about things with each other.
I'm sure he eventually told them.
It was pretty obvious, haha.

These are from two sisters I befriended in North Carolina.
We were friends for a while, and I'm kind of sad that we lost touch.
They were both a few years older than me but were originally
from Canada.
Brings back a lot of weird/silly memories.

Until next time.


I'm a Mutha-Fuckin' Monstah.

I am going to see the AWESOME Nekromantix in August. For that I am completely stoked! I can't wait to hear that Rockabilly/Psychobilly craziness, Seriously. On another note, I am pretty burnt. Sent yesterday rafting for two hours, and today went for a giant walk, and sat in the sun pretty much all day. Did I mention I'm a redhead? Yeah lobster. I don't scream in the warm sun though.

I'm also going to go see Mother Mother again on the free Coke stage this year at the Annual Calgary Stampede we have every year. I literally hate it, but I decided since the band line up is so good this year, and I haven't been on amusement park rides for a while that I should go and enjoy myself. I am really trying to take these negative things I think and feel and replace them with something positive. If I ever want to get over any issues I have, I realize now that I need to do this to regain some sort of sanity. It's what I intend to do. I haven't been drinking much, and I've been reading/drawing/taking pictures A LOT. I know I'm feeling better and it's so awesome.

IF YOU HAVE AN INSTAGRAM You should follow me: Bythethroatx, do it, or rabid stuff will eat your brain. Here's some pictures from it because everything is better with pictures:

Until next time!


Poledancing on a Saturday Afternoon

Okay I love this guy, seriously. He's talented-You cannot deny.

So I decided to start going to the gym recently. I have all this rage over a recent break-up where the man in question went psycho and decided to threaten me. Working out is a good way to relieve that anger and stress. I'm still stressed, but whatever. Everyone will see what they're missing when I'm 130 pounds and gorgeous. I'm fucking sore though.

So now I'm a free bird, and my birthday is coming up! July 2nd. Having a nice little party here, it should be awesome. Going to have to work it hard so I can drink a lot of beer on Saturday. BUAHAHA. I guess my guy friends have taken it upon themselves to give me money so they can order the UFC fight. (Happy birthday to me?)

I've basically gotten rid of all the horrible influences and assholes in my life which in itself is making me very happy indeed.

Here are some pictures, just because things are more interesting with them.

Kitty and me

Until next time folks!


And who needs love when there's southern comfort And who needs love at all.

It has been raining here for some time now. Supposed to be nicer this week, but who knows if the 'Weatherman' is on his game-Is he ever? These last two weeks have been really hard and stressful. I'm not sure if I am extremely emotional/off the wall because of the weather, or if I'm starting to let things go through therapy, or if I'm just mental. I haven't been sleeping very well either, my pattern is completely off. That's something I'm trying hard to work on right now. I feel like a fucking failure if I sleep in past 10AM. A few days ago I was laying wide awake at 3AM and all of a sudden I just started crying, just pure bawling. I had no clue what was going on-I just felt sad, and I missed all the friends that had ever moved away from me, and felt helpless. That went on for an hour straight. Needless to say, I am very excited to talk to my psychologist tomorrow and let him know what's going on. It's definitely possible that alcohol is effecting me as well. Some type of detox. Really trying to quit, or at the very least cut the fuck back.

Im sure you all think I'm insane. I don't generally talk about my inner stirrings here, but I need some type of release at least. I've been having all these weird rhymes and poems floating around in my skull for the past few days too, and dreams, tons and tons of vivid dreams.

I HAVE been feeling better with each day. I'm pretty good today actually. So good I took some pictures.

                                                                                  Rainy day worm

                                                            My friend walking away from me in the alley

                                                       Annnd for your viewing pleasure-One of these!:



Oh trololo.

Haven't written in a while folks! Been busy busy. Trying to keep on that nice little wagon everyone stays on so easily. I made some more jewelry because, you know I'm cool like that.

Pretty pretty!

Life is becoming depressing. I need a job so badly. I'm just going to be a hooker-It's decided. Might go to a trip to the mountains between the 23-25 or so. I think I need it. I'm exhausted with the city.


Fightin' with the neighbors, Screwin the wife. Hip hop music ruined my life.

So I decided to take up a new hobby which could potentially make me some money (fingers crossed).
Picked up some jewelry supplies and started making home made beads out of old magazine ads. The ending products look something like this:

The long spinny beads are made out of paper that I rolled myself. Pretty sweet. Also been making a lot of hemp bracelets. Im turning into a hippie-OH GOD. Let me know if you like?

Drawings soon.


The PMS tree.

Oh hey.
I've been busy/lazy/gaming lately so here's a video of one of my favorite songs at the moment!
You'll enjoy, I know. I'm on this Rockabilly/Psychobilly kick right now. Also-If you have time you can recommend my blog-because well-I'm awesome, and I'd probably love you foreverrr! Happy ending only 5 dollah!



You look a little puzzled.

So the new sober activity is puzzles. All sorts of puzzles. Bright, big, small, candy filled, mind numbing, eye sizzling puzzles. I do find it enjoyable although I get a little bit too into it-staring in the same spot for what seems like hours. Here is what was accomplished today:

Aw look, Im so arty. Anyway, it's been raining for 5 or 6 days straight and my little tomat-er plants and herb garden thing are loving it. I feel like I'm 80 when I talk about the plants I'm growing. Also I learned I really like tax refunds and I'm going to do my taxes more often. Speaking of taxes, I have a job interview tomorrow at EB Games for Assistant Manager. Remember a few posts ago I was talking about that? And I really thought they weren't going to call me BUT THEY DID because I'm awesome and going to naaaaiiiilllllll itttttt! If I don't get the job I am seriously going to sink into a pit of depression. Need a job-going out of my mind.

I drew a picture quickly in-between all the puzzling I've been doing. You better like it. I hate the shovel.

Im going to upload a video of my friends dog being excited on the way to my house to see my dog. You'll loveitttt. Until then lovers.

Update: Here's the video.


Zombies ate her brain.

This is the coolest thing I've ever drawn.
I made it for someone I know who is moving away and is the only person in the world who believes in my art 100%. Im really going to miss him.
Sorry for the lack of posts lately, I've been kind of busy. Still looking for jobs and not finding anything. I had a good prospect until the girl gave me a surprise math test and I was kind of like OH SHIT. I failed. SURPRISE.
Then I walked away laughing because I remember all those lectures from math teachers.

I have a few pictures to share with you, sorry for low quality, but now I can't find the charger for my camera battery. Imagine that haha.

I planted some herbs and a couple tomato plants. I'm super excited about that actually. I like growing things, especially herbs.

Here's a hippo, he's slightly retarded.

PS I HAVE 1000 VIEWS NOW.  yay!


I wear my scars like the rings on a pimp.

What is the deal with blogger for the past few days! Grr.
Anyway here's a new picture. I was supposed to go to Atmosphere last night but decided to skip it. ended up being too tired and non-caring to go. Im trying to design a cd cover etc for this contest we have at a local radio station here for some unknown bands. I went along with the theme of the banner I made, although I really think this will look good if I win and it's printed out properly.

That being said, Im not 100% on the text yet, but I dont know. There is no harm in trying right? I also may be designing some band/show posters in the future. Will be fucking awesome.


All you want is entertainment, Rip me open, it's so freeing, yeah!

New drawing, sorry for poor picture-my bad.
Originally I was going for a squid, but it looked more like somethings head, so naturally that's what I went with. If you can't read what it says:

"Under the sea-Doo Doo Doo Doo"

I applied for a job as assistant manager of EB Games today. If I get another nerdy job that will be exciting, and I will also be able to use my superior bossing around skills. I really miss having power at my jobs. I'm a dece boss though. All you have to do is kiss my ass constantly and I'll be okay. (jokes! get it?)

My face is really hot, my ovaries hurt, and theres an empty chocolate cake tin in front of me. What does this mean? Am I turning into a woman Mom? Am I a real boy?

Quiet cake brain.


Heart and soul.

Oh hey!
It's been a couple days. With my excessive drinking, mother's day planning, and concert going I haven't had that much time. As an apology I drew a picture for everyone. I'm getting close to 1000 views! I will probably be really happy and excited about that and I thank everyone sincerely for all the nice comments and for even taking time to look at my stuff.
I did too much headbanging last night and the muscles in my neck and back are seized. Cool hey? It's very very very very uncomfortable.

I wish I could shade well, but I cannot, therefor none of my drawings are shaded. I used to get someone to do it for me (ohohoho) but I decided I liked it better this way.

My head hurts so bad, christ almighty.

On the job hunt again tomorrow. Wish me some mutha-fuckin' luck.
On another note, I received this from D4!

First of all I'd like to say thank you. Secondly you should definitely check out D4 And Music because it is teh awesome. Thirdly, here are the rules:

  1. Thank the person who gave you this award and link back to them in your post.
  2. Tell us some things about yourself.
  3. Nominate 10 bloggers.
  4. Contact these bloggers and let them know they have received this award.
 About me:
I love art, indie music and cartoons of all sorts. I'm also an avid animal lover. I'm a total day walking ginger. I read comic books, play video games and do lots of male teenager activities although I'm in my twenties and, well, a woman. Zebra is my favorite print. I say the words 'butt', 'jesus', 'beer', and 'vagina' hundreds of times a day. I will never love anything more than drawing-ever.

Unfortunately I'm going to have to wait to do rule 3, possibly in my next post. I just don't have the time nor the enrgy right now as my head is throbbing and I'm falling asleep.

Night night poopers.


We kill, we hide, we all fall down, idiots love to bury gods

So I can't get my scanner to work. Proving to be extremely aggravating but that is okay. I took pictures of some drawings I was completely inspired to draw last night after reading a few comments. It really keeps me going, knowing at least a few people think what I'm drawing is decent. So for that, I thank the legit followers!
I decided to make a Chicken Breast in Mustard Sauce recipe for mothers day over Long Grain boiled in chicken broth. Sounds delicious hey? Everything is decorated in my house with pink and brown for Mothers day. Hopefully all goes well and I dont burn anything or get too drunk. I guess we'll see.



Cock-a-doodle-doo,,,okay, I also have no idea what this is, looks like some type of chicken to me. I have no control over what comes out of my brain unfortunately.



Well aren't you a lucky little lady,

Im feeling lucky folks!
I'm the 'Blog of the day' over at a great little blog called NOT WORTH MENTIONING. If you want to check it out you should probably Click Here
Also, it is almost Mothers Day which means I get to see the infamous MOTHER. The plan is to cook her and my friends mom (whom i love as well) dinner and make it slightly fancy? Not exactly sure what I'm making yet, but it absolutely has to be with chicken. Hopefully this idea does not backfire. With my luck I will end up burning my house down. Happy Mothers Day-You're dead. BEST. GIFT. EVER.

God, I so wish I had some type of almondy chocolate bar right now.

Here's some more art that I've done by the way. I'm going to start doing it on a regular basis, putting my drawings up I mean. Just gotta fix that good ol' scannin' machine.

Note: Pac man painting was wet when picture was taken. Paint streaky.

The beat goes on.

I am getting a little agitated at my scanner not working with my computer anymore. Im going to have to try to figure out how to fix it, grr.
In the mean time here are two pictures I drew a few years ago when I was slacking off at work.



Okay so last night was wicked as hell. I got wayyy too hammered, but that is besides the point.

Wondering about this lovely drag queen photo over there?
I'll tell you the story.

We were waiting for a cab last night outside the venue. Three people walk down, and this nice guys parents need a ride home, so I offered up my cab because you know, they're old. Turns out it's this fellows birthday and he has a private venue booked upstairs from where we saw the show. Long story short, he was extremely gay and invited us up there to his birthday party (haha) where there were drag queens performing everywhere. The drinks were free, the gay guys were hilarious, everyone was dressed up, and there's Meg: skinny jeans, bullet belt, sweaty, t shirts hanging off of me. I was a little stand out-ish. It was absolutely amazing.
I literally have never been to two extremes like that before in my life.
Also Im starting to find it hilarious that the security guards, and everyone who works in the beer gardens knows who I am. Apparently I need to stop going to so many shows. I don't need to show my ID anymore either, he just says 'Pound It' and I go inside. I laugh every time. Pathetic, I know.


Ignorance is bliss.

Tonight is the night, for Face To Face. I'm pretty stoked, although it's inevitable they get back together again and again. Strung out is playing with them, go figure. Should be an awesome time. The funny part is I completely forgot that it was today. I had a whole day planned for my Saturday and all of a sudden it was kind of like, OH SHIT.  Thanks brain, you're doing that memory thing really well.

Took the dog out in the rain today as well. She was thrilled
as always, but this is what became of her. Sorry the picture
is blurry. Basically as soon as she steps foot in a field
where other dogs have been she begins frothing and drooling
everywhere, At one point there was a giant mark on her
forehead made of spit that looked like a check mark.
She really takes after me. Classy, drooly, furry.



Eat yer butt,

Day 483758349534 of not having a job.
Going crazy-soon.
Easter was nice, had a giant meal and lots o' beer! Because what is a family get together minus said alcohol. NOTHING!
First fight took place while driving out to mother dearests farm of joy. That was a gooder. SURPRISINGLY not many more afterwards.
Here is a picture:
Thats my dog Rawlins. She had a great time chasing gophers and the like. She's been super depressed since we got back to the house. Have no clue why. She doesn't want to do anything. Maybe if I take her for a giant walk she'll be happy. LAWD I DONT KNOW! How do you cheer up a dog?


How many licks does it take to what?

Interesting things happen when I dont have a job.
The FIRST thing that happens is obviously, I become a lot more financially fucked. That being said, I need to make more room for a beer budget as the SECOND thing that happens when I'm not working, is I drink a lot more beer because I'm bored.  (WHYYY)
Thirdly, I start trying to beat video games I had no interest in before. Namely:

Okay, the game itself I like. The thing I don't like is the aggravation factor of Mario games in general. They end up making me so mad I want to cry, or throw the controller, or punch a baby wall. Not a good scene, trust me. When the anger becomes too much to bare, I start playing it with a friend, hoping their superior gaming skills will help me along. (GOD HELP ME WITH THE CASTLE) Usually this doesn't work and results in two mad people instead of one. My bad.
The FOURTH thing that happens, is I usually bug the hell out of people I know to come hang out with me because I have nothing to do. I'm on a constant search for entertainment. Maybe that's why I opt for more beer. Who knows.

I need a job.


No way.

So, I decided im going to quit my awesome job-purely because of the asshole I work for. I am suffering so many injustices at work it is ridiculous, and I`m fed up. I keep having those awful visions of all the things I can do to take the company down haha.
Luckily Im not that kind of gal.


The mystery of me.

I took this nice grungy picture today. I like it.
Anywho, Ive had a couple comments asking me what I do for a living because I mentioned it has something to do with World Of Warcraft. Basically I buy and sell accounts for work, and yes I do realize it is against their TOS! Fortunately for me and the company that doesn't make it illigal! Hohoho. I do other things for the website as well such as support, emails, putting up accounts etc. Im actually completely in love with the job as I get to work from home and roll out of bed and go to work in the morning. Almost been working there for a year, and as Im young-ish it's really good experience for office program work and that type o' shit. The only downside is the angry nerds who want to feast on my soul because they don't always get their way. Either that, or they're hittin' me up for my Real ID or my phone number. Kind of funny really!
Anywho, there you have it! Exciting, I fucking know.



Oh no.

Okay, so Im not a total Wow-Fag persay. Im just really excited that my warlock is level 78 okay? I work with WoW for a living, and told myself I was only going to play purely out of gaining knowledge for the job Im doing. SURPRISE, I started to like it. Say what you will, it pays the bills. Also, the show is tonight. I'm pretty stoked on life today! Will be awesome I am sure.
Today is also day 5 of the missing cat, Im sure he's out trying to score some tail (No Pun Intended) as he isn't nuetered and it's spring and what not. I guess every mammal wants to get laid in the Spring. Even me, har har.
I just hope the imp comes home soon.

---UPDATE: Cat has been found. He was hanging around the old house for a few days,,,idiot.


Pour Me Another

Staying kind of on topic from yesterday, another artist Im going to be seeing in the next month or two is Atmosphere. Im probably more excited about this than Mother Mother, mostly because of how long I've been listening to Slug, and how lyrically amazing he is. I do admit I'm a sucker for Underground HipHop for sure, although atmosphere is kind of tetering on the edge of 'Underground' these days. This music helped me through a really really rough patch in my life when I was becoming increasingly lost mentally. I was inspired by a lot of their lyrics, and I felt like, Hey! I'm not alone in this little downward spiral I've got going on. I have a lot to owe to the music I've listened to over the years, and this is one of those artists that take up at least 10% of those to whom I owe.


Everyone's fucked, and they don't even know!

I absolutely cannot wait to see Mother Mother on the 2nd. I heard they are amazing live, Im shitting my pants with excitement, seriously. Not only do I find their songs amazingly smart, catchy and witty, they are a pretty unique band within themselves. The weirder the better for me really.


20 Odd Years

Buck 65 has a new album out. I may think it's amazing because he is my favorite artsit of all time. But it's probably awesome anyway. Im enjoying it, thats all that matters.


Destroy Your Demons And Begin To Grow

Hey Chaps,

Did a little picture request for a friend, thought I would put it up here for all to see!



Im pulling all my hair out.

Sometimes things can get extremely stressful in life, so you just have to roll with the punches and keep on truckin. Although sometimes in these situations I definitely feel a little something like this:

Never have I gone as far as pulling out my own hair, but surely I have wanted to. Also since quitting smoking I have become addicted to every sugary drink that enters my body. This is something that needs to stop soon, or I will find myself in back alleys begging for change to get a Coke, and people being as they are will think Im talking about something entirely different. I figure it would look something like this:

But most likely better drawn, and with some type of cobblestone, dreary looking background. Anyway, im rambling..until next time.