From the mind of a fucked up teenager PART ONE.

For whatever reason, I decided to go into my giant box of old letters, drawings, and journals. I found a lot of things, read through them and realized how mentally broken I was, well more than now haha. Being a teenager has got to be one of the hardest things in your life for some people. It was for me. I was extremely depressed, and hoped for love or death on a daily basis. My upbringing was not a very loving environment and I realize that now. That being said I find it interesting, the letters I received and the things I wrote or drew. So over the next little bit I'm going to be sharing those on this blog. All I ask is that you read and look at things with little judgement as I am 22 now and most things were received or written between the ages of 13-17.

This letter is from a guy I used to mail back and forth when I was 13-14 ish.

I met him through a mutual friend, but he lived in Ontario.

He loved me, a lot.

I never knew if the feeling would be mutual.

This letter was from my friend Shane. He lived in Ontario as well. 

We met at 13, and he was struggling with the fact that he was gay.

He could not tell his parents, so we talked about things with each other.

I'm sure he eventually told them.

It was pretty obvious, haha.

These are from two sisters I befriended in North Carolina.

We were friends for a while, and I'm kind of sad that we lost touch.

They were both a few years older than me but were originally

from Canada.

Brings back a lot of weird/silly memories.

Until next time.

I'm a Mutha-Fuckin' Monstah.

I am going to see the AWESOME Nekromantix in August. For that I am completely stoked! I can't wait to hear that Rockabilly/Psychobilly craziness, Seriously. On another note, I am pretty burnt. Sent yesterday rafting for two hours, and today went for a giant walk, and sat in the sun pretty much all day. Did I mention I'm a redhead? Yeah lobster. I don't scream in the warm sun though.

I'm also going to go see Mother Mother again on the free Coke stage this year at the Annual Calgary Stampede we have every year. I literally hate it, but I decided since the band line up is so good this year, and I haven't been on amusement park rides for a while that I should go and enjoy myself. I am really trying to take these negative things I think and feel and replace them with something positive. If I ever want to get over any issues I have, I realize now that I need to do this to regain some sort of sanity. It's what I intend to do. I haven't been drinking much, and I've been reading/drawing/taking pictures A LOT. I know I'm feeling better and it's so awesome.

IF YOU HAVE AN INSTAGRAM You should follow me: Bythethroatx, do it, or rabid stuff will eat your brain. Here's some pictures from it because everything is better with pictures:

Until next time!

Poledancing on a Saturday Afternoon

Okay I love this guy, seriously. He's talented-You cannot deny.

So I decided to start going to the gym recently. I have all this rage over a recent break-up where the man in question went psycho and decided to threaten me. Working out is a good way to relieve that anger and stress. I'm still stressed, but whatever. Everyone will see what they're missing when I'm 130 pounds and gorgeous. I'm fucking sore though.

So now I'm a free bird, and my birthday is coming up! July 2nd. Having a nice little party here, it should be awesome. Going to have to work it hard so I can drink a lot of beer on Saturday. BUAHAHA. I guess my guy friends have taken it upon themselves to give me money so they can order the UFC fight. (Happy birthday to me?)

I've basically gotten rid of all the horrible influences and assholes in my life which in itself is making me very happy indeed.

Here are some pictures, just because things are more interesting with them.

Kitty and me

Until next time folks!

And who needs love when there's southern comfort And who needs love at all.

It has been raining here for some time now. Supposed to be nicer this week, but who knows if the 'Weatherman' is on his game-Is he ever? These last two weeks have been really hard and stressful. I'm not sure if I am extremely emotional/off the wall because of the weather, or if I'm starting to let things go through therapy, or if I'm just mental. I haven't been sleeping very well either, my pattern is completely off. That's something I'm trying hard to work on right now. I feel like a fucking failure if I sleep in past 10AM. A few days ago I was laying wide awake at 3AM and all of a sudden I just started crying, just pure bawling. I had no clue what was going on-I just felt sad, and I missed all the friends that had ever moved away from me, and felt helpless. That went on for an hour straight. Needless to say, I am very excited to talk to my psychologist tomorrow and let him know what's going on. It's definitely possible that alcohol is effecting me as well. Some type of detox. Really trying to quit, or at the very least cut the fuck back.

Im sure you all think I'm insane. I don't generally talk about my inner stirrings here, but I need some type of release at least. I've been having all these weird rhymes and poems floating around in my skull for the past few days too, and dreams, tons and tons of vivid dreams.

I HAVE been feeling better with each day. I'm pretty good today actually. So good I took some pictures.

                                                                                  Rainy day worm

                                                            My friend walking away from me in the alley







                                                       Annnd for your viewing pleasure-One of these!:

Goodnight.

Update!

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